


Reactive Psychosis

by Yiiiiikes



Series: Sincerely Yours, Love Me [3]
Category: American Horror Story
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 09:57:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15434508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yiiiiikes/pseuds/Yiiiiikes
Summary: Grief is never easy to deal with. It's especially not easy when you swear you can still see his face some days.





	Reactive Psychosis

_Kyle,_

 

_At your funeral I was going to deliver a eulogy. I was going to say something beautiful. Something you would have teased me mercilessly for at the time and then called poetry later. Then I heard about what happened to your body. How pieces of you went missing._

 

_Then your mom died._

 

_And when I got to your funeral I couldn't even speak. Not just in front of the crowd, and god was there a crowd. I could't say a single word._

 

_Kyle Spencer, you have once again, and possibly for the last time, left me speechless._

* * *

_Kyle,_

 

_You've been gone for a month now. It still doesn't feel real. Every time I wake up late I expect a text asking why I wasn't in psych._

_But that text never comes._

 

_And I just can't accept that it never will._

* * *

_Kyle,_

 

_I saw you. I swear to christ, I **saw** you. _

 

 

 

_I'm sorry. Of course I didn't actually see you. I guess I just keep searching for you everywhere I go and my stupid fucking brain just ~~needed~~ wanted to see you so badly that it did. _

 

 

_God, Kyle I just miss you so much._

 

 

_The worst part is, you didn't even seem to recognize me._

* * *

_Kyle,_

 

_Do you remember how we used to spend hours playing scrabble freshman year? How even though we were charismatic to get into fraternity's and sorority's, we were still too dorky to talk to people at parties like how normal people do? How we played scrabble instead of talking to each other for three hours? And how at the end of the night I threw up on your shoes because I was just so god damn drunk and said, "there isn't even a scrabble word for how sorry I am."_

 

_I never stopped being sorry._

_I would bring it up in conversation all the time._

 

_"I just feel so bad about ruining your shoes," I'd say, like it had just happened.  
_

 

_How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we didn't say until it was too late?_

 

_I love you Kyle._

 

_And there isn't even a scrabble word for how much I miss you._

* * *

  _Kyle,_

 

_It happened again._

 

_I saw you on Julia Street, on my way to class._

 

_I miss you so much that it's making me crazy._

* * *

_Kyle,_

 

_I'm graduating in two weeks._

 

_I like to think that wherever you are, you're proud of me._

 

_I'm leaving New Orleans in three weeks._

 

_I like to think that if you were here, you'd come with me._

* * *

_Kyle,_

_I found my old camcorder from Sophomore year. There are exactly 72 videos I have of you singing along to music, most of it is just you singing Africa but just at different times but there are some that used to make my heart melt._

 

_I've watched the video of you singing A Drop In The Ocean a thousand times. I wish I could say that if I close my eyes it's like you're still here. But it's not._ _When I close my eyes and listen, it makes my heart break._

 

_I still look for you in a crowded room, and sometimes, for an instant I find you. And every time I do I just miss you so much, because it always feels so real. Like you're right there. Just out of my reach._

 

_Last time I found you, you were smiling, holding hands with a girl. But you had James's stupid tattoo on your arm, so, I guess I really am going crazy._

* * *

_Kyle,_

 

_I haven't written in two months now. I'm sorry._

 

_I'm in Los Angeles now, job hunting and doing my best to pay my absurdly high bills._

 

_I stopped seeing you when I left New Orleans._

 

_I'm really not sure if that's good or not._

* * *

_Kyle,_

 

_I've been thinking about you a lot less lately. I think you would want that. You don't seem like you'd want me to be hung up over you for so long._

 

_I still miss you but the bitter is slowly turning bittersweet. I don't cry when I think about you as often as I used to. It's becoming easier to remember you as you were. Beautiful. Confidant. Charming. Funny. Kind._

_I think I will always regret never telling you I loved you, but I don't think I could bring myself to regret loving you._

 

_You deserved all the love a person could give. You still do._

 

_I love you Kyle._

* * *

 

_Kyle,_

 

_I found one of my old notebooks yesterday. It had all the thousands of drafts of your eulogy that I never had the heart to deliver. I know you would have loved all of them the way you loved all of my writing but there was one scribbled in the margins that made my heart ache for you all over again. And I would write it down here for you but I know that if I take one more look at that notebook, I will break all over again. And I know you wouldn't want that. Maybe I'll write it for you another day. I really think you would love it._

* * *

_Kyle,_

 

_You once told me if I were a feeling, I'd be the feeling you get when walking into a warm room from out in the cold._

_I'd give anything to feel that way again._

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i showed this to my mom and she started crying now i feel bad. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> also: press f to pay respects lmao


End file.
